Wednesday, 16 January 2013
It's freezing here.Shell seem to have caught a cold in the arctic. Oh dear. What a shame. If you are waiting for boat news leave the blog now as there isn't any, sorry. I had a sleepless night and managed to have a dream whilst still awake. I was trying, once again,to get my head round this brain tumour thing. Over two years ago they discovered it after a seizure, caused by it putting pressure on my brain, which presumeably means it must have been growing? It was then decided to give me annual scans to "keep an eye on it" but it hasn't changed yet, although experience leads them to believe it will. Only the timescale is unknown. However, the original brain surgeon I saw after my first scan(brilliant man but somewhat loopy)mentioned 3 to 10 "normal" years, but failed to define what happens after that......I changed consultants. The second one,equally as qualified but the right side of sane confirmed "something" will happen but only after an unpredictable time.In the meantime they'll scan it annually and "if anything happens" they'll zap it with chemo or radiotherapy. If they spot it changing early enough they can stop anything happening, which is very reassuring.When pressurised he informed me it could become cancerous or, because it is on the right of my brain, various functions on the left of my body may deteriorate (!!?!!) Again very reassuring. It's like standing facing a herd of galloping buffalo and the ranger stating, "nothing will happen to you until after an unpredictable time." Back to my awake dream. I was Michael Caine (Zulu) facing the massed ranks of zulu warriors sweeping over the ridge, all intent on killing me.I shot lots of the front row, only for the second row to take over, then the third row and so on. The odds on me surviving were small. Get the link? Similarly I was "Little Big Man" defying the might of the US army, but again overwhelmed by sheer numbers. Get the link again? The dream went on to include "Rabbit proof fence" (how the aborigene race were treated by invaders plus "Soldier Blue" and "Dances with wolves" (my desert island choice)the slaughter and treatment of native American indians, plus "The mission" ditto for South American indians. Get the link again? One individual against an endless number of unknown enemies. My tumour cannot be removed as it resembles a small amount of ink being dropped into a glass of water. The centre remains undiluted whilst the outside filters outwards into the glass (or my brain in this case). A few days ago I doubled the strength of happy pills (under medical supervision)but have reverted to my original dose today in the hope of happier dreams and some actual sleep. If you look at the small print on the leaflet in pill boxes most anti-depressants can actually increase "depression and suicidal thoughts". I rest my case.